Healthy Friendships Are Valuable Communities

I consider healthy friendships as the most significant connection to ever encounter in life. However, such connections are not the easiest to find for a number of reasons. Friendships are agreements between those involved, as they choose to be reciprocal, understanding and vulnerable with one another. Similar to romantic relationships, friendships need time to develop. In friendships, there is a need to be transparent to be able to relate, share and develop rapport. Vulnerability is always a risk because of the expectation to be open-minded. Most people find the initial phase of forming friendships as one that brings about anxiety and feelings of discomfort. Such feelings may be a result of failed past friendships which have caused many to be extra cautious in pursuit of new ones.

You Are Not Alone!

The great news is that our anxieties are common emotions. We are humans and many people can relate to and share some level of anxiety when getting out of our comfort zone to form connections. It's ok to have a comfort zone because it acts as a safe space to recharge and reflect on experiences. And, if you are an introvert like me, your comfort zone is your therapy.

Know Thyself: Detaching From Validation

Detaching encourages individualisation which creates authentic connections. Self-preservation should always remain intact in pursuit of new connections with people. People often shy away from the idea of individualisation because they are afraid of being disliked, unpopular or an outcast, this goes back to having a scarcity mindset, not being part of the “majority” gives off the idea of being isolated. Mass conformity, on the other hand, is a denial of your self-importance. For instance, our identity is commonly linked to the culture of our biological makeup, but the assumptions surrounding our personality, interests, principles, values and goals, may not align with cultural norms. So, many people may feel pressured to go along, to get along in the hopes of avoiding becoming an outcast. However, the inability to follow your own path may impact your ability to experience something outside of that cultural or social bubble. Sadly, most people fail to take initiative and wound up following cultural trauma-bonding friendship ideals.

Can two walk except they are in agreement? - Amos 3:3

I’m sure you are familiar with the saying “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are”, this is very true because, unlike our biological family/ relatives, we are responsible for choosing them. We initially gravitate towards people because there’s something about them that resonates with us. Influence of any kind is a natural occurrence because people need to have a level of agreeance to tolerate one another for an extensive period. This is why inner work is necessary to ensure that we are gravitating towards people for all the right reasons. Spending time with mismatched individuals can cause us to adopt many character traits that negatively impact our own. Perspective, values and beliefs are delicate pearls that need to be protected, this means that boundaries need to be regulated to preserve the amazing things that make you who you are. If there are things that you value, It's important to connect with like-minded people who value the same to grow and blossom along that path.

The concept of “opposites attract” does not apply to the attraction of friendships. Where mannerisms, principles, values, and goals are concerned, these things ought to resonate on the same level of frequency to thrive.

Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow springs of life.

-Proverbs 4:23

Back in 2013, the artist Drake released a soundtrack called "No New Friends". Although quite catchy, I did not agree with this message, as we grow and evolve, it's inevitable that new friendships will form in various phases of our life. I am a huge advocate of creating a network of agreeable healthy friendships and a sisterhood, this is why I created The Ladies On Code platform. Sadly, we've not all been blessed with healthy connections with like-minded ladies. Healthy female friendship circles, in particular, can be therapeutic as they offer safe spaces for emotional support and candid communication allowing all parties to, receive and offer support. Friendship groups can also hold us accountable, which assists in keeping us grounded.

Attaining and Maintaining Healthy Circles

Meaningful friendships take time, energy and effort to cultivate, this is what differentiates them from being associates. Having people you can pick up the phone to laugh, vent and catch up with, seems to be a rarity these days. This level of connection requires a reciprocated presence of trust and a great deal of care for others. Time is a valuable asset and spending it is an investment. Not making time for people signals that you do not consider them worthy of your time. This attitude is mirrored, eventually, creating associates or dead-end relationships.

Offer the same energy you desire to receive from your friendships.

Setting Reasonable Boundaries and Expectations

The intention behind attaining meaningful friendships begins with being transparent and honest about the type of relationship we have time to develop. This can be discussed with others but actions are even better. This way all parties involved have clarity on where they stand and what to expect going forward. Acquiring quality friendships is not always a given, but you set the tone for what you entertain. Treating others as you wish to be treated, is a good philosophy to go by. Our expectation of a particular standard, will not be taken seriously in the absence of our own embodiment. This is what "feeling entitled" looks like and to others, it reveals usuary (opportunistic) intentions. The ability to set clear boundaries and have them be respected is how we know a friendship is healthy. Any relationship worth having must add value and reciprocation from all those involved. However, nothing should ever be done to gain some form of reward, approval or validation. Whilst this comes off as a manuscript, real connections come naturally when we are authentic, whilst prioritising the interest of ourselves and others.

Love your neighbour as yourself - Mark 12:31

The Qualities Of True Friendships

So, what are the qualities of a true friend? Most people believe true friends are “YES” people when they are not. “YES” people, are enablers keeping you stagnate and in a perpetual cycle of regression. True friends care about your well-being and will offer correction and/or protection to prevent you from heading towards a downward spiral. However, this aspect of a friend is often taken for granted by those unaware of this quality.

The careful selection of our friends has the potential to improve the quality of our life. It is better to ride the waves of life solo until we can identify healthy relationships.

Every choice we make must be made with the intent to maintain self-preservation. Nothing is worth putting our lives and/or core values in jeopardy. It is important to have the ability to walk away from friendships that conflict with our core values. Boundaries are created through social/emotional triggers and act as a defence mechanism. Trusting and utilising our intuition/ gut feelings can assist in discerning a true friend. How a person makes us feel is often enough to determine the integrity of a friend. Feeling good, valued, happy, vibrant, confident, supported and comfortable are great emotions that signal a good friendship.

True friendships are cherished and steady. No relationship is void of hurdles, however, we are able to recognise when our friendship is valuable if it withstands trivial conflicts. The transparent element of friendships allows for great communication to be had. This reduces the occurrence of conflicts and develops a solid foundation for meaningful connections to thrive. Trust is a key component of friendships, where there is trust, there is safety. Being in good company offers room for relaxation and freedom to be vulnerable, as previously mentioned.

The characteristics of love are not exclusively found in romantic relationships, they are the benchmark of all healthy close connections. In the absence of love, there is hate. Great importance should be placed on ensuring that our associations with others have the capacity to be founded on love, failing to do so will expose us to danger rooted in hate. When there is love, there is a celebration of success and when there is hate, there is jealousy of success. Again, it is better to remain without friendships than to subject ourselves to hatred of unlimited potential for fatality.

Summary

Healthy friendships are hard to come by because they are one of a kind. Being in one accord in love presents the highest quality of individuals who have done an immense amount of inner work on themselves that has allowed them to love others because they love themselves. There is nothing at all shallow about healthy friendships, there is a great depth that causes them to stand the test of all life phases. The inability to find friendships that reflect the qualities in this post is not only a reflection on you but perhaps highlights social or environmental limitations. Whilst mentioning the benefits of having a comfort zone, we should be aiming to expand it by incorporating new social hobbies and joining communities that reflect our interests. There are sites that aim to connect people solely on interests and events, one that I'm familiar with is Meetup. The Internet can help us find activities of interest that take place locally. Consistent attendance not only improves our skills but has great potential to meet interesting people. It's never too late to transform ourselves and start over, life is all about evolution which often comes with new social circles. So, get yourself out there and connect with your tribe.